Preachers are weird....

Yes, I said it, men of the cloth are just weird. I know most people would say that is a sacreligious thing to spout out, but it's true.

They are just weird, man.

I have never met anyone so pompous or stuck up (other than Undertaker) than the Medium Midwestern town preacher or priest. I always see them coming....stomping towards me, service order in hand and chip on the shoulder. I am only, in fact the "sound girl/visitation bitch." A peon in society.

Anyhow, this is the way I like it done, they usually say. In this order, I will give the signal to play this song, and at the end play postlude music, to set the mood. Like I would just make a family sit in silence and stare at their dead loved one without something as beautiful as Nearer My God to Thee piping through the building. Even the orchestra on the Titanic had that much sense, I'm not a fucking moron, Ted Haggard.

So, they get up front, blow in the microphone just to make sure the idiot sound girl remembered to turn it on and they sit and wait for the family to come in. Then they thumb through their bible acting like they are doing something Godly, when they in fact know exactly what they are gonna say because I have their sermon notes in front of me.

I, of course have many funny preacher stories to tell and I am gonna start something on this blog called, funny words heard at a funeral, but first have to tell you that this one preacher preached a sermon about this man who was killed in a motorcycle accident. He didn't know this man because the dude was an atheist, so he's trying his best to preach and, hey kudos to him...but at the end of the sermon he goes, "Everyone bow your heads and lets have a word of prayer. God, I know that this family of...uhhhhh...." and he starts shuffling through his notes and finds the guys name (cause he FORGOT), Joe Anderson is in great grief...blah, blah, blah." And he finishes the prayer, but I saw the sweat break out on his forehead, I saw him gulp because I never close my eyes or bow my head during the prayer...I saw him stumble and he saw that I saw.
So, afterwards he comes up to me and I see it in his eyes, he wants to know if I saw his mistake...so I lightly punch him on the shoulder and say, "Mr. uhhhhhhh, " and I shuffle through my service folder and pretend to look for the name, "Mr. Joe Anderson, saw that and so did I."

He rolled his eyes and walked off.

Men of the cloth are human I have learned...and weird.