Anonymous Funeral Service, Somewhere Middle USA

My employment in the funeral business was totally unexpected. After experiencing a personal tragedy of my own, whereas I lost my young daughter to murder, I felt I had an insight to helping other families who had lost loved ones. This is how, in 2003, my sister and I became acquainted with Undertaker. We proposed to him an idea to make memorial tribute videos in the form of a music video and offer them to families who had lost a family member. Undertaker loved this idea and we began working with him and families directly to honor their loved one through a video montage. It was working out great. We were self employed and he contracted through us.

One day after I had met with a family I was visiting with Undertaker in his office about the ins and outs of the video montage when he asked me if I knew anyone who would be interested in a job.

"Here?" I piped.

" Yea, I need someone to help in the office and someone to work in the evenings when we have visitations. So, if you know someone who would be interested let me know."

"I'll do it," I said without hesitation not fully realizing what I was getting myself in to.

"You will?"

"Sure, how hard can it be?"

His eyes are this wicked deep sea color of blue and he cocked his head sideways and looked at me, his eyes seemed to stare through me. I should have known then that there was more to it than simply typing a few funeral folders and answering the phones but that look alone should have given it away, but we all live and learn, eh?

"I don't mean to be forward," he continued. "But I know your daughter died and well, frankly, can you handle this?" It had been 4 years at that point. I felt like I was somewhat among the living, yet seemed to be prepping to work with the dead. Seemed strange and I could see his point.

"I'm working with the families on the videos anyway so it isn't like I'm not exposed to the grief and pain they are suffereing. So, sure, let me give it a whirl and let's see what we can do here?"

"Can you start tomorrow night?"

Gulp.

"Sure."

"And there is a funeral on Friday in our chapel, you know how to run a sound board?"

"No."

"Oh well, you can learn. It can't be hard."

"You can teach me?" I say.

"I don't know how to even turn the thing on."

"How do you expect me to figure it out?"

"Easy, go over there and mess with it and put your time on the time sheet. You just be ready for Friday. Okay?" He was dead (no pun intended) serious.

Good grief.

I felt my throat start to close. The overwhelming feeling of panic started to set in because I would be responsible for the music, video, and sound at someones funeral? To make sure their last bit of business on this planet was tended to and done right. I was screwed. Everyone would hate me, grieving people would want my head on a platter for messing up their favorite rendition of Amazing Grace or not being able to press the CD player at the precise moment that Taps needs to be played. I will have the entire US Armed Services thinking I am a total idiot having messed up a veteran's funeral.

What had I gotten myself into? Yet, I didn't even know those concerns were the tip of the iceberg. There was so, so, so much more and then some. It was after all a business, a business of death. And those blue eyes of his. Yep, crazy eyes. I have learned that anyone who can embalm a dead body is somewhat of a lunatic. But, I will touch on all that later.

So, there it was in all it's glory. I was now employed by Anonymous Funeral Service, Somewhere in Middle USA. Not having a clue what I was getting myself into and truthfully scared shitless.

To top it off, I owned exactly one piece of black clothing, a jacket. So, I went shopping. I bought a black skirt and some snazzy shirts and one single pair of black pumps at Payless Shoes which later became known as my "funeral shoes." Old faithfuls. And I still love those shoes. We have seen a lot together, been through a lot together, moved a lot of flowers together, a lot of flower set up equipment...moved a lot of dead folks together. More dead folks than you can probably imagine.

So, now the true adventure was about to begin. My first day working in that creepy old funeral home... AND THEY LEFT ME ALONE WITH THE DEAD.

Said I should be able to lock the place up at 8:30 that night, there were only two corpses there. One in the viewing room and one in the dressing room.

"What's the dressing room?" I had asked.

Those lunatic eyes again. "Duh, where I get the dead folks dressed."

God, I had never even thought about that before now.

Help, someone, please help remove me from this Sick. Twisted. Nightmare.